Why Some People Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns
Many of us carry baggage from past romantic, platonic, or even familial relationships. This baggage shapes how we see connections, how we trust, and how we show up for others, but at what point does it start holding us back?
In a recent episode of The Real Connect Podcast, I sat down with Riana Malia, an NLP practitioner, trauma-conscious transformation coach, and expert in helping ambitious women heal what’s blocking them from attracting the love they deserve.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in unhealthy patterns, struggled with shame from past relationships, or found yourself attracting the same type of partner over and over again, this is exactly what you need.
Clearing Before Creating
As Rihanna shared, people’s biggest mistake when trying to move forward is focusing only on what they want rather than clearing what’s in the way.
“You have to clear before you create. If you don’t, your unresolved trauma will keep showing up in your relationships—just in different forms.” — Riana Malia
How often do you hear yourself say, “I want a healthy relationship,” for example, or “I want better friends,” but deep down, we still carry anger, fear, or self-doubt from past experiences? Those emotions don’t just disappear. They shape how we communicate, the boundaries we set (or don’t), and even the people we attract.
Through her coaching practice, Riana helps women identify and release the subconscious patterns keeping them stuck. She shared a powerful exercise that helps her clients shift from victim mode to empowerment:
- Identify a relationship situation that still triggers you.
- Write down everything you need to forgive that person for.
- Now, reflect. Who in your past made you feel that way?
- Recognize the pattern and decide if you want to keep carrying that energy forward.
This exercise allows you to see beyond the immediate pain and recognize the deeper cycles at play. Most importantly, it reminds you that forgiveness doesn’t mean access. You can release resentment without allowing someone back into your life.
Breaking Free from the Cycle
One of the most relatable parts of the conversation was when Riana talked about ignoring red flags and trying to mold a relationship into something it wasn’t.
“I knew deep down something wasn’t right, but I kept trying to convince myself that it could work.” — Riana Malia
How many of us have been there? We overlook major incompatibilities, thinking we can “fix” them or that things will eventually change, but when we betray our own values to keep a relationship alive, we end up drained and disconnected from ourselves.
If you’re wondering whether you’re currently in an “almost right” relationship, ask yourself:
- Am I making excuses for their behavior?
- Do I feel like I have to shrink myself to make this work?
- Am I trying to convince myself I’m happy, even when I’m not?
If the answer is yes to any of these, it’s time to realign with your true values and stop settling.
How to Attract Aligned Meaningful Connections
Riana shared her method to help clients attract the right relationships without wasting time on mismatched ones.
1. Define Your Core Values
Your non-negotiables should be crystal clear. Without them, it’s easy to drift into relationships that “kind of” work but ultimately don’t fulfill you.
2. Create an Aligned Attraction Blueprint
Write down 10 characteristics you must have in a partner or close friend. Keep this list with you and review it often because when you’re clear on what you want, you stop entertaining what doesn’t align.
3. Stop Over-Explaining Yourself
If someone can’t meet you where you are, you don’t have to convince them. The right people won’t require persuasion.
4. Recognize That Confusion = No
One of my favorite sayings…? Confusion is negative energy. If you’re constantly second-guessing a relationship, there’s your answer. True connection feels clear, calm, and safe.
Ready to Build Real Connections That Last?
If you resonated with this conversation, you’re not alone. So many people struggle with breaking unhealthy cycles, but the good news is it’s absolutely possible to shift.
Listen to the full episode below:
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